Oh to feel so right in being right. Such a nice cocoon for a little while, but so lonely and soul-eroding in the end.
I was told once by someone, without meanness or malice, that I had barriers; that I couldn’t bear a situation because it was something that I could not control. This person noticed things about me. My double-checking to make sure my car doors were locked, my firm sense that most things should be brought into a clear understanding, things could be emotionally risky as long as there was a fair measure of logic and common sense to it. There was my desire and commitment to be authentic, but yet I held much in reserve. If it feels unsafe then it makes sense for me to pull back. My rationale being that it is just too difficult to be authentic with some people; it feels like some people trample on realness or try to take advantage, as if authenticity is a weakness to exploit. From there it is a short leap to decide that is only wise to withdraw from them rather than be in conflict. It’s easy to feel so right in this. And it is the course of action to take in some cases, just not in the ways and for the reasons that I too often give myself.
I don’t argue with the conclusion that I have barriers. I just didn’t really see the problem with it. It made sense… until it didn’t.
A series of circumstances that I cannot explain has created an upheaval in me. It looks like an unfolding journey, a slow-growing awareness, looking back on it. And it’s not done… a journey of letting go never is. But there was a moment of sudden clarity; a moment of brilliant light when the truth of my position to life and love, my approach, my barriers, my behavior, were illuminated. My heart was broken in the moment I came face-to-face with the truth. Being right, being protected, retreating into the known, having everything make sense; these were exposed as the tactics they are, tactics to keep me from what calls my heart. Isn’t it true that the closer we get to what our heart knows is right for us, the more resistance we encounter, so often from within ourselves?
The more powerful and more potentially life-changing something is, the larger and scarier it seems to loom. I have been blessed, yes blessed, to encounter opportunities and challenges like this, and although extraordinarily rare, soul connections like this… where it is so powerful, so beyond human understanding, so meant to be that even if you hide your heart away, it finds you. It can be a person that somehow keeps being brought across your path in ways that neither of you can control, ‘serendipitous’ occurrences that stack up until you realize that something is happening beyond you, or a longing or dream that doesn’t leave you and is trying to guide you into a path that is uniquely yours. You discover that your barriers don’t work, and in fact work against you, when love has chosen its time. Love will find you, call you, come to you, show itself to you, change you, prepare you for what it will ask of you. And what it asks are moments of courage, not even that you have a constant courage or trust, but enough for one moment and then another.
Love isn’t all about being with a specific person or making a certain kind of difference with our lives, which can too easily become a focus. It is first about how we love. It is about changes in our own heart. It is about letting love transform us, about letting God=Love in. It is about holding on by letting go of our barriers, letting love’s integrity guide our decisions, courageously taking its hand and releasing our grip on the hands of fear and self-protection.
The truth is that I don’t want to have the barriers I have; I can’t bear the weight of them any longer. They keep some painful things from me, but they also keep me from love. They keep me alone. I long for the depth of intimacy, trust, sureness where I can let them go; that place where they are not needed. To be truly free I must trust the elemental truth that love is the best protection one can ever have. There is no better security in life than to love authentically in all situations and with all people we encounter. We will not do this perfectly but when we let the purity of love take the lead, it soothes our bumbling efforts with a measure of grace.
May I have the courage to stand sure and be true to what calls my heart, to risk being completely vulnerable in the hope that it will be met with the same. To know deeply and fully as I become known deeply and fully… to accept as is and be accepted as I am. May I trust love moment by moment even when I can’t fully trust myself or another. May I choose to follow my heart where it sees to take me. May I say yes to love knowing that whatever it asks of me is not meant for harm but is for the purpose of answering my heart’s deepest and truest longings.
This song by Brandi Carlile reminds me that I cannot spend my whole life hiding my heart away. It is time to let go of my barriers and let my heart be free.
Well, wow, that song itself opened not just barriers, but flood gates in my heart and whole body. Took quite a while to stop sobbing. And oh Lynda, so true about the unconscious things we do and how those barriers get there and as I’ve learned, can create them in others. It’s that damn fear again. The belief that what’s been done to you before will be done again. No matter how wonderful a person is, they will hurt you like all those others before. And I’m here too little too late to tell you, don’t treat someone as if they are someone else in the past or you will push them away and they might even take on characteristics/act like that person who hurt you because there’s only so much they can take and hear. If you live behind the barriers and in fear, you will just hide your heart away whether you consciously mean to or not, whether truthfully you love and want to give your all to that person with you, you don’t and you can’t behind the walls you build. There’s no safety in there. And people will just end up disappearing as you thought they would because you made them not feel safe or welcome. And who could feel safe or welcome with all these walls in their face?
Amy (funny there are two Amy’s on this page.
The thing you said about not treating someone as if they are someone else in your past… wow. I really have to work hard sometimes on that one. I can see certain behavior and think I know what it means, but I have to dig in, choose to relate to who I believe the person is and not the behavior or the facade, and let it turn out differently if it will. It really is within each of us to determine how our story ends because it’s not about getting what we want but about being who we are meant to be and that doesn’t depend on anyone’s else’s actions. Thank you for sharing your insights. Really reminded me of the impact and consequences of our own actions, and that it can be different.
I know right? There’s so many of us Amys in the world! Actually, when I first saw it, I was like did I already post on this? Did I read it and forget? Lol. It sounded like something I would say too!
Oh Charlena, this was so perfect. I feel like you were speaking words from my very own soul. This very topic keeps coming up in my life. I’ve been conceptualizing it in terms of the “stories” that we tell ourselves that limit us from living our lives in that authentic and heart felt way that I believe we all crave for. It is amazing how for some of us we have to get hit over the head with a 2×4 again and again before we realize that things can be different…we don’t have to put up the barriers, we can let the stories go, we can watch for the serendipitous occurrences and not try to logically explain them away (like me reading this post in the dark morning hours). You have left me with a bit more courage to trust in love…of self, others, this beautiful world we all share. Thank you.
It’s so interesting that you pointed to the stories we tell ourselves. Our own narrative is something that too many of us don’t think about too often but when we look at our whole story–what was, what is, what we hope for (and the false things we make up)–we can be more truthful with ourselves and see our path and all those ‘serendipitous’ occurrences more clearly… and trust a bit more. Thank you for connecting and sharing your thoughts. One’s life is a great journey to be awake for, isn’t it?
You so read my mind, heart and soul. The challenge is finding the answer. The unconscious things we do that form the barriers that then exist ,no matter what I emotionally want. Thanks for speaking to me too.
Lynda, you mention something that is so critical, the unconscious things we do. This is why I love to see more people spending time in ways that stir their soul, their awareness… out in nature, journaling, reflecting… because, as you know and encourage others too, this is how those unconscious things seem to bubble up where we can see them and begin to let them go and open ourselves up to life more. Thank you for sharing!