I fight the unknown. I attempt to move everything, as quickly as I encounter it, from the unknown to the known. I now see that there are things that remain a mystery. There is much about God and life that is paradox. I understand that a bit better and am more willing to push forward into the unknown. But that is now. Once I was not open or able to see that by choosing a life that required one thing, faith, that I had chosen a path that would stretch me, make me more uncomfortable, not less, and plunge me into the deep end of the sea of unknown. And so I fought it… and kept sinking under the water.
Before embarking on this huge life upheaval, I went through quite a lengthy discernment process with a group of seasoned folks who knew about living in the unknown. This process helped make it clear that I was to head off into the unknown in a much bigger way. I needed it to be clear because this was where I was at that point; I needed some assurance when faced with this blank page stretching out in front of me. I also thankfully couldn’t see it for the large change it has become. They saw it; I didn’t/couldn’t. And I don’t think I would have had the courage to keep living into it when I lost heart and my faith trembled, had I not been certain I was to go, and keep going.
I didn’t know much about what and why, how long or where, except that I wanted to learn more about God and how he speaks to me, to learn to trust his voice, to learn more about how I was made, to push myself to brand new places in my writing and to see more of the world. It took me awhile (still) to accept that God wanted to delight in me and delight me, with experiences that I never thought that I would know. I didn’t have the kind of childhood that helped me grow strong and secure in the world and it seems that God has taken special care to give me so many ‘childlike wonder’ moments in my journeys. I would ask, ‘but what use am I to you right now lost in the rhythmic crashing of the turquoise waves; what use is it to you that I toss a caber in the Highland games just because I really, really want to?’
I have begun to see that just being with him, delighting in him in a childlike way, is of immeasurable importance. Walking with him, listening, talking with him, asking questions is what he created us for in the first place. He loves to see us smile and to lift our hearts, to play with us, to comfort us, to show us the majesty of his wild, miraculous creation, of which people are his wildest and most beautiful.
As I find my heart renewed from being in nature, my heart opens more fully to the unknown. It is often then that someone will cross my path, on the trail or in a café, or will sit beside me on a ferry, bus or train and we begin talking and they share their heart with me and I them and somewhere along the way we both realize that this wasn’t random, our connection. I am delighted and surprised each time, as if this is an accident instead of the point of it all, this love and kindness, this authenticity, between people.
These experiences help me see that this is how God does what he does; it’s part of how we are crafted. We all have the opportunity to navigate the unknown guided by faith rather than fear. But we are all different in how we live out that life; the terrain of our lives is unique. Our hearts long for different places and we are given different people across our paths. We have a different part to play. We have different passions and different ways that our souls are rejuvenated for the journey that is life.
For me, I long to, need to, explore in nature. Outdoor adventure energizes me, meeting new people and doing new things in my travels open me and expand my heart. This is how he knows me… as he made me. These things call me for reasons even I don’t fully know, part of that mystery. However we are made, wherever we are in life, there are people and opportunities for connection, for giving and receiving, for needing and being needed, for helping and being helped. It is food for our hearts and souls to honor how we are made, to be nourished and renewed in the ways we are meant to be, to serve where we are with whatever we have and also to humble ourselves to be served in our present need, no matter how small it seems.
Yet, I still struggle with ‘being still’ and feeling useful. I feel self-indulgent sometimes when I go off hiking in a beautiful place because I can barely accept the joy of God at times. Or when I linger over a cappuccino at a café. Shouldn’t I be doing something more than putting words on paper or gazing at a sunset? Yes, there is more learning and deepening of faith to do. To stretch myself beyond where I am today, to reach out and invite people for a meal, to really see them, meet their needs, give whatever I have to give; to be faithful with what is before me… and I also need to gaze at breathtaking sunsets, feel seaspray on my toes and put words on paper (or a screen) so that I do not do things because I ought do them, but do things because my heart is full of love and delights to do them.
It is then I realize that I am no longer afraid in the unknown because Love has hold of my hand and knows the way home.