Living Life Intimately With Others is the RX

These trees are on the land of Clan Donald, which is in the Sleat Peninsula on the Isle of Skye off the west coast of Scotland. These trees are incredibly tall and have been there for a long time. They have lived many years together and have borne witness to countless things. They sway in the wind and creak and rub against each other… it’s as if they’re talking to you.

So many people I have talked to lately have expressed in various ways the ache of their heart from brokenness and isolation. These people are alone. All have been married at one time. They all have a measure of joy in their lives in different ways but underlying all of their life’s moments is a deep pain, a need. A normal need that I don’t think we take seriously enough. The need to be close to others. To go through life together. To see each other frequently, if not every day. To share our lives, not just an occasional lunch. Sometimes that is a spouse. Sometimes it’s a brother or sister. Sometimes it’s a good friend.

But more and more people live individual lives. There are so many who go to work, run their errands, walk the dog and go home. They see friends once in awhile but they are essentially going through life alone. More than ever I know what this is like. I realize that I had people whom I could say were living life with me. There were only a few of them but they were there, and it makes a huge difference.

What of those of us who have lost that, or never had it? Some have lost their close people, their family and friends, through divorce or death of their spouse, loss of siblings or parents, or friends. It can be devastating to try to put your life back together. Isolation comes. Isolation is much deeper than loneliness. It is not the way most of us are geared to live.

I was never one of those people who needed to be around a bunch of people. I enjoyed my alone time. I worked well at home, was much more efficient actually. But something has shifted. Something has been irrevocably altered. I don’t know how or when or why. It just is different.

Talking to others and listening to their stories I recognize what this is. What we long for isn’t just ‘company’ or someone with whom to go to the movies. What we long for are people who will go through life with us… the ones who will be there ‘til the end. We desire that strong bond and connection, that sense of family, that brings us to live near a child or parent or friend or to marry. We need family—whether we were born to it or create it. We need people we belong to and who belong to us. ‘Our’ people. People to whom we are a top priority and they are to us. And most of us need that one person, that life partner, whose life is joined with ours and intertwines as we grow together.

How many people’s depression, sleeping problems, overeating, medication dependencies, and general poor health could be resolved through deep love and connection? Through living life with others? Being part of a loving family? Family is much more than the one you came from, thank goodness. It is created more than born. But why is it we spend so much time and money fixing the symptoms of loneliness and isolation instead of investing in each other and being there for each other? It seems that in most of the cases with the people whom I have listened to lately, their primary need and longing is for someone to be in life with, who is there behind the closed doors, where they can be vulnerable and completely safe. Someone who draws close to them and shares their life and heart and dreams; a person who can, and does, become deeply intimate, where there is a true joining of hearts and lives.

I think that this life partnership is of such importance, and yet so many relationships that are meant to last, whether it be friends or family, are betrayed and broken, leaving people bereft and increasingly isolated as they get older.

I have lived alone and loved it. But I don’t see myself doing that much longer. Whether it’s sharing a home with flatmates or family, or sharing my life through marriage someday, I’m following that longing for community, for engaging more deeply, for seeing my family and friends more often, for sharing life more intimately…

Let’s see where it takes me.