Why do I sometimes want what I know will bite me in the arse? What is behind that desire? Is it just the darkness in my humanity–temptation, stupidity, stubbornness…? Or is it the longing of my heart for peace? Sometimes it’s true that there is an arrogance in my desire for reconciliation… because I want it, I am the bigger person, the more mature one. Sometimes I have come to a place of true humility, but the timing isn’t all up to me.
My instincts seem to know full good and well what’s driving me and what is ultimately best more often than my mind will admit. And sometimes I ignore that and just think that I will force the timing. I tell myself I’m going to test the waters. Maybe it will be different… no, it isn’t. Why do I think I can make wholeness between me and another person from my own efforts? To talk to a person, again, with whom there has been hurt and where other conversations resulted in confusion and upset… trying to find a point of peace when I know it’s not time. Leave it alone. Keep my foot on the brake for now.
My instincts know better… yet my mind constructs a nice, kindly outcome, imaginary of course. Just try again; this time it will go down differently. Truth is it might someday, but not today. Not when the light is red; my instincts say no. Because they know what my mind finds hard to accept—sometimes you can’t fix it, no matter how soft your heart has become or how clearly you see your own part or how much you want the other person to know forgiveness and be free. Sometimes it just will not happen. You can’t make it so just because you want it.
So I am left to stay focused on the path and things that are mine to do. Stay steady as she goes. Be still instead of pushing forward. Let the storm inside me that wants to drive me to premature action pass. Let it thunder and flash. When I am still, the desire for peace will remain but that push inside me that wants to ‘make it happen’ will pass and pass without regret. But if I just take that one small slippery step… my instincts will fold their arms and refuse to budge while the rest of me tumbles down that long, steep hill, leaving me to climb back up, battered and bruised.
There are things that I need to do, that I must find the faith and courage to do. And there are things that I need to leave alone and I must find the faith and courage to ‘wait for green.’ If my heart and mind remain awake to love I will know when the light turns green and I’ll be ready. But there is no doubt that sitting with my foot on the brake is infinitely harder for me.