You know those moments when you feel that you have it all… everything you need, everything that matters, all in a single moment. The world falls into place. And then time moves on and life and its complications and our shattered hopes and dreams dim the truth of that moment. I think we were made to live more like we live in those moments… in a faith that we have everything we need, everything that matters in each single moment… even as we have unfulfilled longings or are missing people that we love. For most of us, we seldom have, or cannot have because they have passed, all the people we love in one place in all the hours of the day. And so it is our human condition to feel an almost constant pain of loss… except for those moments that transcend our humanity and we feel at one with everything just as it is.
There is so much beauty in the pain of loss because it means we love, which is the most true thing that we exist for… to love. We are most who we want to be when we love with abandon and endure the sacrifices love inevitably asks of us.
No matter if I am never a ‘success’ as a writer and I end up with only being able to say ‘I tried’ I am more vulnerable and opened up not just to those I love, but to myself, and most of all to God. I know more about God and more about me. I have learned some things that are hard to learn—how much I fear that a person I care about will choose to give into the shadow of themselves and how annoying I can be when I’m scared.
I have also walked on enough high cliffs now that I can do it without feeling that I will stumble and fall to my death. My phobia of heights has become a bit more manageable, physically, spiritually and emotionally. I can ‘jump off’ somewhat higher cliffs when I believe that faith is asking this of me. I also have learned that I enjoy traveling alone and having the experiences that only a solitary wanderer can have. I recognize that when I enter a new country, there is excitement and there is also loss and a stark feeling of aloneness as I leave what has become familiar and the friends I have made and go where I know nobody and I can’t find my way around.
Getting lost constantly is particularly exhausting for me. And as I walk literally for hours around a new city I have plenty of time to think and observe (to escape this way of engaging the world would mean, in my opinion, to no longer be a writer, to be who I am). I think about who I love, who I’ve loved, who I’ve hurt, who I’ve helped, what I’ve learned, where I am now and what I will do different today. Sometimes my thoughts are light and I’m just feeling the sun on my face and sometimes my heart aches as it expands with new learning and lessons. And I know that having so many new experiences, so many hellos and goodbyes, make this painful process inevitable and is part of what I wanted—to be transformed and to never be the same.
And I am grateful for all of it, at the end of the day, and hopeful that it means more than just the sum of moments and lessons stuck together.
I discovered this song last night at my first gym workout class here in Edinburgh. Alicia Keys’ ‘Doesn’t Mean Anything.’ It reminds me that the ache of loneliness is there in part to teach us how to love and to inspire us to keep choosing to love and forgive and love again, and love is the beginning and the end, and all of what matters in between. And the glorious ache of this truth is the purpose of a life.
Now I see myself through different eyes,
it’s no surprise.
Being alone will make you realize
when it’s over
all in love is fair.
I f-ing love this post. Really. And Karen, please write more. YOU are a writer as well. Please share more of your thoughts when you feel it.
“And so it is our human condition to feel an almost constant pain of loss… except for those moments that transcend our humanity and we feel at one with everything just as it is.”
your journey of words and thought immediately reminded me of a lyric from Pierce Pettis in his song God Believes in You….”everything matters if anything matters at all. Everything matters no matter how big no matter how small.”
Also, from my recent reading No Greater Love, by Mother Theresa….”There are thousands of people who would love to have what we have, yet God has chosen us to be where we are today to share the joy of loving others. He wants us to love one another, to give ourselves to each other until it hurts. It does not matter how much we give, but how much love we put into our giving.” (page 29)
Love asks much and gives more….and everything matters if anything matters at all.
This spoke to me so much…..I have not written much….but I follow you in my heart and read your entries with….a bit of a combination of poignant nostalgia, wishful thinking, and much gratitude for your generosity in sharing what you are feeling, thinking, learning, experiencing…. This one really spoke to me today…. I fell, once again, hard and fast and deep in love….only to again, be cut off suddenly — to be told i am too much….my chaos is disarming to others….my intensity is overpowering….my joy and humor and sensuality all enveloping and seducing, but ultimately, satiation requires distance to offset it…and i am alone, again…. but it IS where i need to be….and i know at a deeper level, i need the deepest aloneness i can connect with in order to reach myself…that elusive inner being — sometimes manifesting as an elusive ninja or an indulgent mourner or a butterfly — who knows, it doesn’t matter—-. anyway, i love you from afar, thanks for sharing this post especially at this moment when i am learning that ‘when its over, all in love is fair’ ……. xoxoxox k
Loving your writing. Thanks.