I am so sick of “working toward” what I think, no believe, I am supposed to be—an author. More specifically, a book author. I could say writer but I am a writer. I write for companies. I’ve done that in some part of nearly every job I’ve ever had. But it’s not enough to be a writer who helps other people make their plans and objectives happen. It’s time to lift my head, step forward and write out my own thoughts. Not just for myself but because I feel like I must do this. I don’t find it at all wonderful or comforting but unnerving and not just a little horrifying. As fierce as I can be for others and the right for their voice to be heard, I have stayed behind the curtain, in the wings of the stage. I watch others voice the words I craft for them. I love to support people in this way and help them make things happen. Why is it so hard to do this for myself?
Right now I feel so full of shit and yet so full of promise. I believe I have what it takes to write books that sell and make a difference. But I also have the deepest, most annoying sense of inadequacy about my thoughts and writing, and I can’t shake it. But I’ve decided not to wait until I overcome it, and the fear that drives it, but instead simply break my silence and go forth.
So I’m leaving all that I know to take the journey of my life—to see the world I’ve never seen, one-way ticket in hand, and to write the words I’ve never written. It’s time. I feel so full of shit because I’ve never even attempted to publish my own words, not even an article. And yet I’m sure this is my path; there is a seed of promise in me. Why in this one great call of my life do I have this huge struggle within me? It is like God is asking, has asked, me to climb for years up a mountain, stand on the edge of a sheer cliff at the highest point, raise my arms and swan dive into the air. No promises. Only two words… “Trust me.”
Oh my, I just disappeared… I began writing a little something, and though I had no clue as to what I was going to write, I was just gonna type anyway… and poof, the little box I was writing in disappeared. Which led me to find this box below where the box now gone used to live. And so now I have a new box to write in. And that’s about as far as I’ve gotten Charlena; that I wanted to respond, visibly and verbally. A response desire driven by the multitudinous myriad kapunkas (is it ok to make a word up when the one you were looking for slipped underneath the sofa out of reach?) I felt in finding, and briefly meandering through some of your sights and sounds and thoughts and journeys. I received an email earlier this eve from a name I didn’t recognize (and still don’t), a spam I suppose, and so I googled the name of who I did not, and do not, know to see if I should know, and, google brought me your name at the top of the list (your name was not the name I had googled, both had Charlena)). So there, on the very top of a google mound in bright blue letters, was another name I did not know, your name. And I clicked what I did not know, and was immediately taken to me, who I do know, a little. Well Charlena, not clearly knowing what I want to say I guess I should stop saying it for now. I look forward to returning, I can clearly say that. In the ending of a Monday night, Sweet Dreams. j
That is one of the most interesting stories I’ve heard of how someone found my blog. Thank you for reading and connecting.
Have you thought about doing a one year update on this? Would love to hear where you are now in light of this entry.
Thanks,
Ray
That’s a great idea. I think I will.
It’s been two years believe it or not.
Sarah,
Thank you for sharing what you are doing in the world. It is the great call, isn’t it? To be and help others be all that we are meant to be. We’re not here by accident or mere circumstance, but with great purpose.
It’s cool to know you are out there on the path too.
~C
I’m doing the exact same thing — helping others express themselves, transform themselves, get their message out, “become” through starting or growing their business, making their offer to the world and getting paid well for it — and meanwhile, I’m still holding back, still keeping quiet myself, not yet out there with my own message and mission, waiting for the right time. It’s coming soon.
Blessings on your journey, Charlena.